Myths and Facts About FBI Informants at Writing Workshops by Catherine B. Krause
Recent events have led many to question whether agents of Big Brother are attending their writing workshops. Here are some often-believed myths to be busted:
Myth: An informant has to tell you if they are an informant.
Fact: This is maritime law not applicable on land. If your group meets at sea this may apply depending on whether the facilitator has a terminal degree as well as the color and type of the vessel transporting you and your fellow writers: the law only applies to green-and-white ships. It is best to assume that any informants among your writer’s circle are going to make an attempt to keep it a secret.
Myth: You can tell an FBI informant by whether they like doughnuts.
Fact: Lots of people who are not members of any police force enjoy doughnuts and there is nothing wrong with them per se. What’s more, the informants among you are likely to put up some degree of disguise, meaning they may decide not to eat doughnuts in your presence at all. Some of you might think this would make the informant noticeable by the fact that they’re not into doughnuts, but this criterion is too prone to error. It’s best to tape a note to the back of your hand saying “don’t call the person eating doughnuts an informant” so you don’t forget.
Myth: Informants will claim everyone else is an informant.
Fact: Informants come in many shapes and sizes; some disguise themselves as broken clocks and sit on the wall without making so much as a tick. Others live in Venezuela and listen to your writer’s circle through a short-distance wormhole in the wall. It’s best to always smile whenever you see an unfriendly dog. You never know what sort of bees it’s been eating.
Myth: Informants will advocate violence.
Fact: The person advocating violence is just as likely to be a fan of Charles Bukowski, Chuck Palahniuk, or any other authors who write macho bullshit. For that matter they could even be a marginalized person using writing to escape a society that doesn’t allow them to express anger rather than a government shill or sadistic asshole.
Myth: Informants like cake.
Fact: Bees are perfectly innocuous creatures. If you leave them alone they will probably leave you alone, unless they’re jerks. Ensure that they are not wasps, bloodthirsty flying Donald Trumps intent on your destruction. Ask yourself: is it an informant, or are they just an annoyance? Are they hostile or just refusing to do what you want them to? There are no easy answers, only sausages left out overnight by your partner who’s been reading vegan recipes in secret.
Catherine B. Krause is a queer, disabled, and transgender lunatic living in Niagara Falls, NY with her girlfriend, former metamour, three cats, and PTSD. Her work has appeared to make sense on occasion.